I write because I need to vent, but not anger, more or less I vent lonelyness and depression. I dont want to write in here because I somehow think that 1) it doesnt help me and 2) I write to avoid having people know my thoughts...but people apparently still read this. It is a public blog after all. After the breakup I have mentally created a rift between me and my friends (screw correct grammar). After talking to lots of them I learned bits and pieces of the story of Kristen telling all the girls how it came about, of course not one person told me the whole truth, I only got that after asking many people about that night. That truely bothers me, that no one wanted to tell me anything. I feel like my friends abandoned me and left me for Kristen, which in a sense was true the month after the breakup because everyone went and comforted her because she was 'sad', when in truth it was her that wanted the breakup, not me. I was the one sobbing and alone w/o anyone to talk to. All my friends were too busy comforting Kristen to realize the level of depression I've fallen into. I quit Relay for Life because I felt that I was in the presence of Kristens friends, not mine. So in essence I abandoned my friends because I felt they abandoned me. Yet in all honesty I know they are still my friends, but I can never view them the same way. After finding out the events that surrounded that night Kristen told the girls about the breakup have created a deep scar in my mind which greatly affects how I approach Aubree, Nicole, and Lillian. I realize that Stacey was there too, but Stacey was the only friend who made time to come and talk to me, a true one on one heart to heart talk. She is the closest friend I have left. I do realize that everyone else is still my friend, or at least they want to be but its so hard for me to approach 'Kristens friends'. Its very hard when our group of friends was mutual. I saw her eating lunch with Kevin and Marybeth one day on my way to school (right before class with Kevin) and when I saw him thirty minutes later I gave him the coldest response I could. Same goes with Aubree who I have a class with this quarter also. Kristen criticizes me for avoiding her and making no effort to keep contact with her, when she herself does nothing to spend time with me, and in fact I feel that she does everything to avoid me. The night I told Stacey I was quiting Relay I also cried, because I felt that I was severing the last link I had with my friends. I couldnt handle to be in a group of people who opened their hearts to comfort her when she wanted things to happen as they did. This weekend I attempted to get past my anger by hosting a Civ game which I invited Aubree and Kevin to. Of course without them there would be no game, but I feel in my heart that despite the anger and loss of loyalty I feel towards them that there is a chance that somehow things will get back to normal. I miss Kristen more than anything but I know that she is quite content without me, in fact shes probably happier than ever. No one else has told me otherwise. I can just assume that shes found herself some other guy friend in AphiO which fills me with great sorrow and jealousy. I started going to mass at Newman to find peace at heart and mind, but I only feel great sorrow pull on my heart during mass and I fight the tears back in order to save face. I try to make friends but its so hard to join a group when everyone else is so tightly knit together. Right now I see no reason to go on Aim or carry my phone around because no one ever calls and I rarly get IMs. Ive lost 20-25 lbs in the past month an a half. I feel like I have no reason to eat, I feel hungry, but I dont at the same time...its hard to explain. Building friendships and trust takes a long time for me, and in this past month I feel like I lost 90% of everything. Worst of all I feel like I've let down the only true friend I have left, Stacey, by quiting Relay for Life. If youre reading this right now, talk to me, let me know youre still there...

Emil's thoughts took float @ 7:58 PM